Speaking To Myself Through OCD

I have found that sometimes my OCD is actually trying to get my attention. It is an unhealthy response to me ignoring my better self. It is complicated to sort out and I can only do it when my OCD is at a low level. Otherwise there is too much OCD noise and not all of it has meaning behind it. Here are 2 examples.

I adopted a cat that was put out on the street by her owner. It happened gradually. First just feeding her outside, then letting her sleep in the house when it was cold. Eventually I got a litter box. I knew who her owner was, but I had never talked with him. I was afraid to go over to his home and discuss adopting the cat. I guess I felt guilty for how far things had gone, and I was also afraid he'd say no. Then I started to obsess that the cat had rabies. I really thought I had contracted rabies. It was my OCD telling me to "take care of business". Talk to the owner, then take the cat to the vet. As soon as I spoke to the owner, who was happy to see her go to a good home, my obsession went away.

Another example is this nose piercing. I am supposed to use cotton balls to soak it in salt water 10 minutes everyday. That is not happening. I even skipped a few days. Then I developed an obsession that I had a life threatening facial infection. It is NOT infected at all. I committed to myself to do the salt water for a few minutes everyday, no matter what. As soon as I did that, the obsession went away.

It is tricky, because I don't want to give the OCD a foothold by giving credence to the obsessions. But, what I find is that while the obsession itself is irrational, there may be something real fueling it. Sometimes my better brain is trying to get my attention. While I need to extinguish the obsession through ERP, I need to try to understand why it popped up in the first place.

Nose Piercing and Fear of Being ME

I am in the throes of OCD anxiety. I got my nostril pierced 2 days ago. I've wanted to do this for a while. I went to a very clean, reputable place. I got a tiny silver ball and I really like the way it looks. Now I am worried I have contracted HIV. Last night I started feeling a sore throat coming on. That's all it took.

I don't obsess in this way often anymore. So when I do, there is usually an underlying psychological conflict that is manifesting through my OCD. I know this obsession is related to fears about what others think of me, particularly my mother. My parents are coming to visit tomorrow to celebrate the Jewish New Year with me. They will absolutely HATE the piercing. When I was in high school (30 years ago) I got a few piercings up my ear. My mother hated it. She was always saying "Just don't get your nose pierced."

So perhaps I am a 45 year old woman who moved 2000 miles away, has her own family, her own lifestyle, and is still struggling to individuate from her mother. This has been a BIG issue all my life. I felt unloved and fearful starting at age 4. I was not allowed to express my feelings growing up. I tried very hard to please my mom in order to win her love. I also spent a lot of energy dissociating from my feelings. As an adult, I married a man who was mean to me. I relived the dynamic with him. I finally did leave him. This winter will be 7 years that we are apart - though we are still connected through our children. I am also still trying to individuate from him.

Through my recovery and ongoing therapy I've worked through a lot about my relationship with my mom. We do well together today. My biggest issues have been finding my voice with her, being honest about my feelings, and accepting her limitations. I can never "get" the love that I wanted as a child. But I can enjoy the love that she does have for me as an adult. My ex husband is another matter, but I am making progress there, too.

I do believe my fear about HIV - in my mind, a death sentence brought on by recklessness and self expression - is all about this historical baggage with my mother. I've been through it before in my life when I was going through changes and "breaking away" from her expectations of me.

I must say that sharing this with you compassionate OCD'ers (my peeps!) has helped take away some of the intensity. I still feel the obsession. But I also feel the healing potential from letting it just be OCD and not the truth. I also have compassion for the little girl that I was who struggled so much and who is still here struggling. Perhaps, this is an opportunity for her to grow up and let go a bit.

Happy New Year y'all - Shana Tova V'Mtukah ( A good and sweet year). And thanks for "listening". I really need you.