Nose Piercing and Fear of Being ME

I am in the throes of OCD anxiety. I got my nostril pierced 2 days ago. I've wanted to do this for a while. I went to a very clean, reputable place. I got a tiny silver ball and I really like the way it looks. Now I am worried I have contracted HIV. Last night I started feeling a sore throat coming on. That's all it took.

I don't obsess in this way often anymore. So when I do, there is usually an underlying psychological conflict that is manifesting through my OCD. I know this obsession is related to fears about what others think of me, particularly my mother. My parents are coming to visit tomorrow to celebrate the Jewish New Year with me. They will absolutely HATE the piercing. When I was in high school (30 years ago) I got a few piercings up my ear. My mother hated it. She was always saying "Just don't get your nose pierced."

So perhaps I am a 45 year old woman who moved 2000 miles away, has her own family, her own lifestyle, and is still struggling to individuate from her mother. This has been a BIG issue all my life. I felt unloved and fearful starting at age 4. I was not allowed to express my feelings growing up. I tried very hard to please my mom in order to win her love. I also spent a lot of energy dissociating from my feelings. As an adult, I married a man who was mean to me. I relived the dynamic with him. I finally did leave him. This winter will be 7 years that we are apart - though we are still connected through our children. I am also still trying to individuate from him.

Through my recovery and ongoing therapy I've worked through a lot about my relationship with my mom. We do well together today. My biggest issues have been finding my voice with her, being honest about my feelings, and accepting her limitations. I can never "get" the love that I wanted as a child. But I can enjoy the love that she does have for me as an adult. My ex husband is another matter, but I am making progress there, too.

I do believe my fear about HIV - in my mind, a death sentence brought on by recklessness and self expression - is all about this historical baggage with my mother. I've been through it before in my life when I was going through changes and "breaking away" from her expectations of me.

I must say that sharing this with you compassionate OCD'ers (my peeps!) has helped take away some of the intensity. I still feel the obsession. But I also feel the healing potential from letting it just be OCD and not the truth. I also have compassion for the little girl that I was who struggled so much and who is still here struggling. Perhaps, this is an opportunity for her to grow up and let go a bit.

Happy New Year y'all - Shana Tova V'Mtukah ( A good and sweet year). And thanks for "listening". I really need you.

Overwhelmed By Obsessed

I have very mixed feelings about the TV show "Obsessed" that profiles people dealing with OCD. I tried to watch last night, but ended up crying and turning it off. Once, I was as sick as those extreme cases. The pain of full-time, all consuming OCD is unimaginable. I feel so much compassion for fellow sufferers. It overwhelms me, and angers me, to think of the huge number of people who are homebound or living in terror, shut off from the world. I literally 'cannot watch'.

I wonder what people who've never experienced OCD get from watching the show. Is it a form of voyeurism? Are they thinking how "together" they are by comparison? I am sure there are some people who have OCD and finally see themselves reflected here. Perhaps they will be inspired to get help. Perhaps some viewers are educated by the show and will respond to OCD'ers with more compassion and understanding.

Finally, I wonder, why are these individuals agreeing to go on the show? Is it that they are desperate for help, but can't afford it, otherwise. If that is the case, it's an example of exploitation. I had so much shame about my disease and the thoughts it put in my head. I can't imagine having to reveal myself at my most vulnerable moments in order to satisfy a probing director.

Interestingly, I don't have this reaction to Intervention, even though I am also a recovering alcoholic.

So, my fellow OCD companions - How do you feel about this show?

I'd Rather Have Worms

I am glad to be back in the blogosphere. It has been a busy time here with adjusting to the "back to school" routine. I also had to deal with ex-husband nastiness. It was emotionally consuming.

Shana recently posted about the lengths people will go to survive. It brought me back to my early days of OCD recovery. My daughter just celebrated her eighth birthday. After her birth I was catapulted into an escalation of OCD that reached psychotic proportions. That doesn't generally happen with OCD. Although we may feel crazy, we generally don't completely lose touch with reality. But in the post-partum period, anything is possible.

Losing my facilities was an unimaginable ordeal. One month after the birth, I was ready to end my life in order to relieve the suffering. I didn't want to leave my children, who I knew needed me. So I asked to be brought to a local ER. I was so weak and distressed that I could hardly walk. But I made my way to the window, and told the receptionist that I have post-partum depression and I need help. I am pretty sure I looked awful. I was up-triaged and they took me right in, without making me wait in the busy waiting room.

Asking that woman at the window for help was my first surrender -- an expression of hope. I had no idea what would come next. I spent 7 days as an inpatient on a locked psychiatric ward. I received tremendous compassion. I got my label (You have OCD) and started to learn about my illness. When I was well enough to read, my doctor handed me a Y-BOCS with a list of all the varieties of obsessions. In that moment, my whole life made sense. I had been dealing with OCD for 28 years, thinking it was "just me". This was the start of my healing. In the end, being that ill was a blessing. The extreme disease I experienced motivated me to take my recovery with the utmost seriousness.

Exposure and response prevention is painful and just plain hard. But, for me, it has been the key to my recovery. Sometimes it is hard to know how far to take an exposure. I remember being fearful of eating spaghetti, because I had the notion that the sauce was dangerous. I remember thinking, "I am going to eat this, even it if it kills me." I did, and as usual, nothing happened.

I tackled my handwashing early on. I made the decision that while doctoring I would wash once before and once after each patient. This is the standard. No re-washing, because they still "seemed germy." However, when I was not at work, I decided to stop washing my hands under all circumstances (except when dealing with my children's food and bottles). It may seem a little extreme, but it took the guess work out. I knew that I could "catch something." But, I felt an urgent need to get well and be able to be a good mother. I had been so impaired that I was willing do anything to survive and beat the OCD.

I didn't die. But I did catch pinworms. It took about a month for those critters to take up residence in my lower GI tract. I called my doctor, got a prescription, and got rid of it with a pill. I started washing my hands after using the restroom and before eating. Once. No re-washing. By that time the obsession was extinguished 99%. I could wash normally without worrying. Was it worth it? Definitely! OCD or pinworms. That's easy. I'd rather have worms.

Read more about Post Partum Mood Disorders

Making Peace With Water Fountains

Does anyone with contamination obsessions use water fountains? Do you let your children? The pediatric infectious disease specialist at the hospital where I trained dropped this seed in the fertile soil of my OCD brain. Ever since she talked about how germy they are, I've avoided them and wanted my children to avoid them also.

As a mom with a lot of OCD recovery, I try hard to make peace with some of my obsessions so that I don't pass on this kind of neurosis to my children. I figure they are already genetically primed, let's not make it more likely. I realized however, that every time my daughter went to drink from a water fountain, I cautioned her against it. She didn't like that, and would sneak away to drink, despite how I felt. I don't want to argue with my kids about things like this.

When we were flying home from our recent trip she snuck off to a water fountain right after I told her not to. I was through. I decided to make peace with my daughter's decision to drink from them. I explained to her that I was going to let her make her own decisions about them. I explained why I don't like them, but that I was backing off. If she wants to drink from them, it is up to her (she is eight years old).

I decided to use my AA training of "not running the show"and take a spiritual approach to "Let Go and Let God". My daughter has her own "Higher Power" and I am not it. These are common 12 Step approaches to accepting things we cannot control. On a cognitive level I realized that as my children get older, I need to relinquish control over their exposure to "risks" in the environment. I'd rather they get some community illnesses than grow up with a neurotic mother.

Mayonnaise and Acceptance

I'd rather never eat mayonnaise. When I was young one of my teachers warned the class about picnics, mayonnaise, and food poisoning. My OCD was a special force in my life by then. After that comment I did avoid it completely, and even tried not to think about it. If mayonnaise ended up on my plate, the meal was over, sometimes before the first bite.

I've been able to extinguish a lot of my obsessions through intensive cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) / exposure and response prevention (ERP) and the use of medication. Many previously "charged" foods no longer give me pause. However, some linger. Mayo is one of them. I doubt it will ever be a neutral food for me. I do eat it, but I don't like to, and it is always an effort.

While on this trip to visit my family we stopped to pick up groceries. Cole slaw and potato salad were on the list. Somehow, one bag did not make it from the car into the house. It had to be that one! The cole slaw and potato salad stayed in the hot car for 2 hours before their discovery. As part of my recovery, I try not to throw out food because of a "bad feeling". The containers were sweating condensation, but still felt cool to the touch. I dutifully put them in the refrigerator and went about my business. The next day, my mom put some on her plate, only to find the first forkful disgusting. It had gone bad.

Wow! I got so close to food poisoning. I actually put bad food into the fridge. And yet, even without my vigilance, no one got sick. I do consider it a "near miss" because sometimes bad mayo cannot be detected. I know there is an OCD victory here because none of this made me anxious. However, I am also aware that now I am not going to eat cole slaw or potato salad for a while. So it is a step back. In the grand scheme of life, it isn't such a big deal. But I do need to be careful not to let this grow. My avoidance sometimes spreads out like an expanding stain leaving me less to eat that feels safe.

I think the best way to deal with this is to limit my avoidance to just mayo salads in stores and restaurants. I will also remember that this is my OCD and there is nothing actually wrong with these salads. People are eating them everyday with no ill effects. When I am ready I may expose myself and try it again. But for now, I am just going to accept that this is where I am today.

Fear of Flying

I am flying 2000 miles tomorrow with my partner and my children to visit my family for 10 days.

These days every time I fly it is a reminder how far I've come with my disease. I had a horrible fear of flying for many years. I approached each flight as if it were destined to crash. Every landing felt like I had just escaped death. Do all OCD'ers have a fear of flying?

Five months after my breakdown in 2002 I took a trip to Las Vegas to visit my sister. I was on zyprexa and other meds at the time. It was the best I'd ever been. I did have to make a conscious decision to let go of the fear. The old habit was there. The one that said that worrying would keep the plane in flight. It felt risky and dangerous to stop being afraid. Mischievous and reckless to just fly and enjoy it. But, in my commitment to recovery, I surrendered and dared the plane to crash.

I've flown many times since then. Each success feeds the next. I am always a bit nervous. I do tip my hat to God. I acknowledge that I have no business hanging around in the clouds. And then I just do it, come what may. Writing this is making me nervous, as if by typing the words I am tempting fate. Traveling is full of unknowns and lack of control. Sometimes, living is tough, even when it is good.

Raw Physiology

One of the side effects of my OCD coming under control (through meds and ERP) is that my drinking got out of control. It is more complex than that. But, without some of my OCD fears, I was able to take more risks. My OCD thoughts had curbed my drinking. During the hard OCD years I was terrified of putting anything into my body. Even eating was a challenge because I was worried that it was spoiled, or poisoned. I was hypersensitive to any bodily changes or sensations. The warmth of alcohol was more than I could tolerate. For a few years I didn't drink at all.

When I was able to drink, I did so with gusto. After my downward spiral with alcohol was complete, I was ready to quit. Then life got interesting. Without alcohol, I started to discover my 'raw physiology'. It has been a ride.

I drank to quiet myself, to stop a burning flame dancing inside me. It is a flame of energy, creativity, motion, and connection. I am experiencing it now, which is how I even got this blog going. But, there's an uncomfortable side to it, an agitation. It would be nice if it came with a key like a kerosene lantern, so I could turn it down just a tad. I wish I could keep the creativity, the productivity and the confidence, but douse the agitation, distraction, and restlessness. There is no key. It's just me. Me and my raw physiology.