And then the OCD hit. I just KNOW, it is because of the fear that I am in about my kids and my utter lack of control about their irrational dad. It is almost like a genie that pops the cork out of the bottle and goes a little nuts casting spells on me.
Here's the obsession: I took my daughter to the pet shop and we were holding rabbits. One of them scratched me. Then later, while I was feeding my snake, the prey (a mouse) peed on my hand. Some of the urine got on the scratch. It took just an instance for me to KNOW that I was going to die from some "mouse urine disease". I started to get that swirl of anxiety. The one that lifts me off my feet, unhinges me, and threatens to blow me out the window.
I am sorry if this is gross for some of you. But, hey, think of it as an exposure. In any case, a few years ago I could not even pet a dog or even be in the room with an animal, for fear that I would catch some horrible disease. Now I own 2 snakes, a frog, 2 cats, and have a fish tank. I clean up after all those critters. I deal with rodents to feed the snakes and frog. Clearly, I have come far. I love my animals. Plus they are an ongoing exposure for me. Nonetheless, that OCD gremlin is waiting for me... and is happy to seize upon my insecure moments.
I washed the urine off my hand. I told my partner about it and he gave me reassurance. And then, just like I did earlier in the day, I gave myself a break. I silently acknowledged my tough situation, my OCD, and my belief that I am good enough, just as I am today. I forgave myself for all of it. And then, I went on making dinner and being a mom. Right now I feel a little better. It has been a hard day. Sometimes, it all just gets to me. Thanks for being there, my OCD peeps!