An Anniversary of Sorts

Today is the 13th anniversary of my wedding. I've been divorced for 5 years, or is it 6? Every year on this date, I want to do something special. But what? My ex-husband is the sand in my oyster - A constant irritant that helps me grow into a pearl. So, in a buddhist way - I am grateful for our union. The truth is, our wedding led to the birth of my 2 children. That is something to truly celebrate. And because of them, I do have a sacred bond with my ex.

Truth be told, it was a very destructive marriage that replicated a very destructive dynamic that I grew up with. In this marriage my OCD got very very intense. I had the constant obsession that my husband was going to give me AIDS. Today, I believe this was my OCD letting me know that he was unhealthy for me (see my previous post).

When I was well enough (mentally) to leave the marriage, I became very resentful for the way my ex had treated me and the things that I felt he put me through, both in the marriage and afterwards. When I finally got into recovery in 12 step programs, I heard the expression "If you don't want to be a door mat, get up off the floor!" That was mind blowing. It implied that I had a part in being abused.

Today, in honor of my anniversary, I led an Al Anon meeting. The theme I chose was "If you don't want to be a door mat, get up off the floor."

I am proud to say, that today, despite my ongoing struggles with my ex husband, I've forgiven him for all that I let him do to me. I am still working on forgiving myself. I have forgiven myself for a lot, but not everything. There's always more "work" and more growth. Today, I am a lot better about healthy boundaries. It is scary for me to set them. But I get a lot of good direction and support from AA and Al Anon, and from my sponsor. Today I have choices about who I get close to. I don't have to choose people who trample my boundaries. I don't have to let people abuse me.